Lifting Weights and Letting Go
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1: 2-4
Since we’ve been traveling, I’ve been reading the book of James and studying it, seeking to understand it more. I know that this passage was written to the dispersed church under persecution, so I have a hard time thinking of the “trials” that they may have experienced compared to what I think of as my own “trials.” However, James does say “trials of various kinds.” Our trials do not have to be life-threatening to weigh us down; they can be experiencing any type of adversity, facing daily disappointments, or letting go of a dream. And their effects can linger over time. Even when experiencing joy, we can still feel sadness over what was lost.
We felt this weight of disappointment earlier this year when our visas were denied. We (especially John) worked so hard to follow all the rules regarding the non-lucrative visa and were shocked that we were denied. We thought we met all the requirements and that it would be no problem. When we appealed our denial and we were denied again, the answer did not sting as much but was still very disappointing. We spent a couple days grieving and then quickly moved on to Plan B (see blog entry).
We accepted our answer; and although not having our visas has made the moving and the traveling more difficult, we were able to see ways that it was a blessing. We are not locked into a year lease. If our plans need to change for any reason (mainly thinking medical) then we have the flexibility to go wherever we need to be. We can travel more of the world, and those travels can still be based on some of our original goals of connection with people and speaking Spanish. We will be able to travel to locations where we have friends living internationally and we will be able to spend time in Spanish-speaking countries in Central and South America. And I thought, okay, this will work.
As we worked to develop plan B, we did not change our dreams for traveling and we were working to fit all of the European travel we had hoped for with plan A into those two 90-day time blocks. However, we quickly realized that we could not have the same expectations for travel. We started removing trips and reducing days in countries where we had hoped to spend time. This was a hard process. Our dreams and list of places we wanted to go did not develop overnight, so changing those plans did not come with ease overnight either. However, we left for Spain on August 1st with a plan that seemed reasonable for our timing and trying to keep that balance between seeing all the things and slowing down and living life in Spain.
I thought that once we were traveling I would see the beauty of not having the visa. However, arriving in Valencia and loving our first 10 days in the city created more disappointment that we couldn’t spend a whole year here. While I recognize the blessing of being able to take a year away from life in the U.S., I was still grieving the loss of the specific plan we had dreamed of and had been working towards for years.
After our first 10 days, we started traveling within Spain and had a rigorous schedule. We found quickly that having a day of rest about every 7 days (huh, imagine that) was important for the family to keep up with the pace of the other days. Again, we are learning that balance between wanting to see it all and slowing down to just enjoy the space we are in. While we loved traveling around Spain (and we got to spend time with some beloved teachers!), we found being in a different hotel or apartment every day or two was really difficult. We also started looking at our schedule for the Fall again and realized that it was still overly packed, so we started cutting out more of our planned travels before we even left Spain. More disappointment.
Our first travels out of the Schengen took us to England and Scotland. When we were initially planning this portion of the trip, it felt like something we had to do to “get out of the Schengen.” We spent time in England and Scotland two years ago and absolutely loved it, but with so many places we haven’t been (and especially where the kids haven’t been), I was feeling like this was a bit of wasted time.
But God quickly showed me how this time was such a blessing to our family. First of all, we had more connection time with people we know. We were able to stay with a dear family friend in Edinburgh. While all the places we have stayed have been nice, being in a “home” is different, and I feel like it brought peace to the whole family. We were also able to visit with the family of a friend John made during his very first trip to Scotland when he was in college. We saw them during our trip two years ago, but they have had another baby since then, so it was lovely to be with them and for our kids to have their kids to play with. We had hopes of building a new community in Spain, but it turns out that we are building a deeper community with people we already know, but who we don’t get to see regularly.
Also, after 20 days of traveling in a Spanish-speaking country, going to the U.K. gave my brain a little break. I had been working so hard to listen and understand and learn to speak Spanish, that it took a few days for me to not respond to people in Spanish! My kids really took great joy in catching me saying “Gracias” to the English waiters. My brain needed that break.
What I really didn’t expect is how much I would love our travels to “new to me” areas of Scotland. We spent two weeks in Scotland, and a good portion of that was in the Highlands and on the Isle of Skye. There were multiple times when I found myself crying at the beauty before me. It was also during this time of slower travel that we realized we needed to cut more out of our travel schedule. Again, disappointment was creeping in, but also a realization that our family does well when we stay in one place for 3 or more nights, and that we can really enjoy something even if we are missing out on something else. Gratitude for the experiences we are having melts away the disappointment of the things we are missing.
Our return to Valencia has brought a new wave of disappointment as I envision what life could have been like here. We are in a new apartment, where we will reside until December, and we are getting to know a new neighborhood. (While we will still be traveling, we won’t have to take all of our belongings with us, like we did the first 6 weeks. Traveling lighter will make everything easier!) We found a grocery store that is a 5 minute walk from our apartment. The green spaces near us are so lovely. And it is easy to get most anywhere in the city by bus or metro. As we’ve settled in, I’ve had to wrestle with the disappointment of not getting to stay here longer, and of giving up time here in order to travel and see other parts of Europe. But again, I have found that the answer to my disappointment is gratitude. I am so grateful that we are able to have this apartment and that we have the chance to experience a little life in Spain.
We have been back in Valencia for two weeks, and already, we have met two separate families who are here through December, like us. They are also doing the “Schengen Shuffle” as their leases here are longer than the 90 days allowed for a tourist visa. Each family is here for a different reason and a different experience, and yet, we all are in the same situation. We are developing our own little community here, even with people who will only be here for a few months. How kind of God to give us friends even as we feel like nomads.
Coming back to James, I read that this idea of steadfastness can be translated as “bearing up under a load.” In a study by The Gospel Coalition, the idea of steadfastness was compared to a person lifting weights. The study asks one to “Think of someone who lifts weights for exercise. What is the ‘full effect’ of that person’s ‘steadfastness’?” I can envision myself lifting weights and the perseverance it takes over time and as well as the pain felt when working to build strength in my body. As you work out, there is pain required for the strength that is gained and as your body becomes more fully developed. It felt like an epiphany as I read the passage anew and thought about trials as weights that we bear up under, producing steadfastness, and bringing ourselves closer to what we are meant to be.
Wow! That’s a really different way to look at trials or difficulties, or the things that just don’t go the way we want. There will be disappointment, but it’s what I do with that disappointment that matters. My prayer is that as I work through the disappointments that wash over me with each trip and with each return to Spain that I will be able to turn to gratitude for the amazing experiences we have had. I may never know why we were really denied our visa, but I do trust that this process is growing us in significant ways and that as a family, we are all learning what it looks like to persevere in the midst of adversity.
